


come lay your weakness down

by littlelooneyluna



Series: Robron Week 2018 [2]
Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, M/M, Memories, Pillow Talk, Reflection, Self-Esteem Issues, progression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-08 03:34:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14096316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlelooneyluna/pseuds/littlelooneyluna
Summary: day 2 | past/memoriesrobert breaks down over the anniversary of the night he was shot.





	come lay your weakness down

**Author's Note:**

> here's day 2, how you enjoy!!

 

There's certain memories which are soft and kind and explored at half ten at night over a glass of wine or bottle of beer.

And they laugh and it's light and happy and Aaron watches the way Robert's cheek turn rosy with it all.

And then there's _other_ memories which literally seem to slam into them both and it's hard to even try and say anything against it.

Respectively, they both have memories they try and suppress for dear life and it works half the time.

Only _now_ , it's three am and Aaron's so fully aware that something is wrong with Robert that it physically aches him.

He moves his hand up to hold Robert's face and watches his husband flinch against it.

" _Rob_." Aaron says, eyes flickering out of control now because he's just been slammed with the conformation he was dreading. There _is_ something wrong and he has no idea what to do or say.

Robert works to hide himself further and Aaron's been playing this game with him all day really.

He'd been quiet at dinner, even quieter when he helped Liv with her homework and just stared down at her, and then silent as he brushed his teeth and stared hard at his wedding ring.

Aaron won't _let_ him hide, not now that all his kicking out and worrying has woken him up like this.

He rubs at his eyes, finds a warmth on Robert's chest and then smiles before Robert is practically yanking his arm away.

He doesn't hold a tight grip or anything but he does enough to startle Aaron into a wide eyed expression.

Robert just stares at him, and for a second his whole chest just _burns_.

"Sorry." He panics, holds Aaron's hand in his for a second and then drops it suddenly. "Just go back to sleep." He whispers, hand soft on Aaron's cheek.

Aaron doesn't buy that though, and then suddenly he's staring at Robert's bare chest and everything comes together as he looks at him.

"Robert." He tries, eyes flickering a little as he speaks.

Robert looks towards the door, and he's probably going to run through it if Aaron keeps going on, but something holds him back and it's _Aaron_ isn't it?

"I got shot today." Robert gulps, eyes red and face puffy against everything he's saying. "Three years ago. I got _shot_."

He closes his eyes and hears it and suddenly he shudders against it.

"I remember it all Aaron." His chin wobbles, and he's so small, so suddenly and Aaron wants to hold him.

He remembers it too.

He remembers how much everything just _ached_ and he has to look down and -

"I saw ya laying there." Aaron's got his eyes on Robert, tries to keep himself together. "And I had to -"

"I felt you there." Robert whispers, eyes small like he's trying to pull something back and Aaron frowns.

"Don't, Rob, don't think about it." Aaron whispers, strokes over Robert's arm lightly and pulls the covers over himself. He knows that Robert usually does stuff like this, tries to _punish_ himself because he thinks he should.

Robert looks up towards the ceiling. "I can't help it." He whispers, tries to catch his breath as he lays there and feels Aaron all around him. "I was shot because I was such a _horrible_ person and I don't think I'll ever be able to get over that." He shakes his head and everything is dark in his heart.

He's _that_ person again and again and again and -

"I deserved it." Robert says boldly, clears his throat and Aaron just stares up at him with tears in his eyes, a small frown on his face.

"What?" And Aaron thought they were passed this, his own insecurities are sky high sometimes but he honestly thought he'd helped tackle Robert's. "Deserved to _die_? No, shut up." He wills but Robert just looks at him sadly.

"I was laying there, and I remember thinking about you. Just you. Being so sorry about what I had said and done to you." Robert's heart flips, and he suddenly feels so inferior that it honestly aches.

Aaron frowns, eyes watering. "That's all in the past." He whispers, "Robert. Look at us now eh?"

And Robert has spent the whole day looking at what he has and it just makes him even more confused.

"I don't deserve it." He shakes at his head and suddenly he puts his head into Aaron's chest and allows his husband to hold him.

Just hold him.

Aaron rubs his back. "Back then, we didn't deserve what we do now, because it was all just _muddled_." He says slowly, holds Robert a little tighter and then sniffs.

"They made me think you'd done it." Robert says, cheeks red, face nearly wet as he looks up at Aaron. "I wouldn't have blamed ya if you had."

And all of this is making Aaron cry because it was such a horribly dark part of them and it's just not talked about.

But Robert needs to hear reassurance.

"You think I could do that?" Aaron whispers, holds at Robert a little tighter. "I hated how much I was just - just madly in love with you."

"A monster." Robert whispers, and Aaron wants his husband back.

The one who eats sushi and tries to force Aaron to do the same.

Aaron sighs. "A messed up man." He whispers. "Never a _monster_."

Robert rolls his eyes a little. "It's okay to admit it." He whispers, "You know sometimes, I'm scared I'll be like that again. Confusing everything I love about you with things to - to hate."

And Aaron doesn't know what to say, a tear just falls down his face and he watches Robert look down at his wedding ring.

"And you know when we were in that car and you were _sinking_ , just _drowning_ in front of me -"

They never go _there_ either.

"Robert -"

"I thought it was punishment." Robert blurts out. "For hurting ya the way I did. The minute I've finally got everything sorted, you're leaving me." His voice breaks and he can't get passed how awful everything felt. Aaron was going and there would be absolutely nothing left in the world.

"You never gave up though did ya? You got me _out_?" Aaron stresses, "You." He mumbles. "Because you're a good man."

"Back then though? I was awful and - you should have run a mile and that means that I don't deserve this now?"

"Why? Because you haven't proven yourself?" Aaron snaps, grabs the sheets tightly and Robert looks down. "Fuck off. You've proved yourself ten times over and we deserve this life we have and you getting shot is in the past and something you didn't deserve okay?"

He's holding at Robert's shoulders and he shakes him a little before pressing his forehead against Robert's.

He's shaken himself really and he doesn't know what he's supposed to say until Robert looks up at him and smiles a little gently.

"I love you." Robert whispers. "Even back then I - I just 'fell in love with you and there was no turning back was there?" He's gentle with his tone, it's less ragged and sad and Aaron wants this to stay.

He pets Robert's hair, guides them back down until the covers are over them. "No." He says gently. "There wasn't."

Robert gulps, eyes flickering. "Did you want me dead then?" He says, heart so heavy that it's nearly black and he sees the look of horror on Aaron's face.

Aaron's not sure if this is still Robert trying to punish himself.

The uncertainty makes him hold his breath against his words and then suddenly he shakes his head.

He can't speak because there's tears in his eyes again and he's suddenly hit with how horrible that period of their lives were.

"Told myself it would be easier if you were." And he half expects Robert to run from him because that's such an awful thing to admit. "Because I wanted so badly to hate you as much as I loved you Rob." He leans towards him a little and he's back _there_ in the that hospital room.

"Then I saw you in the court room." Aaron steadies his breathing. "And I thought you _hated_ me, I thought you blamed me for -"

Robert gulps again, "I thought it was possible. Anyone else would have shot me if I had done all those things to them but -"

Aaron holds him closer. "I could _never_ hurt you like that. _Never_." He whispers, hands stroking over Robert's hair and then he looks at the scar across Robert's chest. "A part of me just wasn't _there_ when you were in that coma. I didn't care about _anything_ , I even -"

He knows what Aaron thought about doing and he can hardly speak about it without wanting to cry.

"And I was so worried about you when I shouldn't have been." Aaron says. "But you still meant so much. And the thought of you dying before we ever got the chance to -"

Aaron _wasn't_ supposed to break down like this and Robert is startled into action as he sees him.

"I didn't mean to -" Robert's eyes are glassy. "I didn't think you were effected so much like - like _this_ I -"

"I was in love with you then too you know?" Aaron shudders, almost indignantly. "And it _hurt_ everywhere." He whispers, before he stretches a hand down and places it tenderly on Robert's chest.

He can almost hear his heartbeat like this and it settles him so deeply.

"You shouldn't be ashamed of what happened." Aaron tells him. And Robert suddenly struggles to understand his point.

"Why not? I was shot because I was - was a horrible person who deserved to _die_."

And Aaron's eyes widen again. "No you didn't." He says, hands falling against Robert's arms and softly stroking. There's something so unsettling about the way Robert is so adamant that the person he was back then was so horrible that he deserved to not exist anymore.

He battles through what it does to his heart and then sees Robert sigh out a long breath.

"Did I deserve to die after all the _shit_ I got up to?" Aaron says, "When I was setting fire to barns and chucking bricks through people's windows and beating Paddy up?"

And Robert is quick to say no.

"Then how can you -"

"Because I'm _worse_ Aaron. I was awful. I still am. Deep down." Aaron's always been better, sometimes there's just no denying things and Aaron's goodness which juxtaposes Robert's darkness is always going to be there.

Aaron holds at Robert's face again, feels everything hit him in this almost relentless way and all he wants to do is protect Robert from how cruel his mind has the ability to be to himself.

"I love you." It's said kindly, fiercely even and Robert takes it. "Because you're brave, and you _constantly_ try and make yourself better. For me, for our family." He's saying. "And I know, I know you're good. The man I married -" he goes to say something and Robert goes to brush him off but he keeps at it. "The man I married is the best bloke I know." He says and Robert looks like he's almost in awe suddenly.

"You don't have to -"

"I do." Aaron realises, "I don't tell you often enough." He whispers, "And you deserve to hear it okay?"

Robert's not sure about that, but then again, he's not sure about a lot of things today and his brain is this murky sadness which he can't contain.

He didn't want it to pour out like this and make Aaron have to say all the things he knows are truly, deep down, deep deep down.

"You were shot, and everything was horrible. But you made it through, you saved my life. You - you loved me when I didn't even _like_ myself." Aaron says, and he's back to being on that sofa absolutely hating himself and Robert is there and he loves him.

Robert loves him with all his heart.

Aaron smiles a little at the memory and Robert's forced to nod his head.

"Always have done." Robert shrugs, and he's a snotty mess of a man who feels a little lighter after actually talking about what happened and things he hates about himself. He's getting there, and Aaron's there holding his hand with a smile on his face.

"You want to watch a movie or something? I can't sleep now." And Robert smiles finally because he knows that Aaron could sleep easily but he wants to make sure he's okay.

Robert nods, watches as Aaron sticks on the least annoying Rocky they own and then climb back into bed.

"Rob, promise me you won't bottle things like that up again." Aaron whispers, a terrifying softness about him as he rubs his face against Robert's cheek.

And Robert blows out a breath. "I'll try not to." He says, and it seems like enough for Aaron who holds their hands together and is just this protective ball of softness that Robert is in love with.

"The past is the past Rob." He whispers, eyes soft as he looks at his husband. "What happened was awful, but we got through that, and a million other things n'all." Aaron squeezes his hand tighter. "And we're here, happy."

Robert watches the screen for a second, it's only just started but he's already cringing against it and then he's looking down at Aaron.

"Happy." Robert nods gently, reassures Aaron that he actually means it.

And the ghosts in his mind seem to ease off under the warmness of Aaron, and just how brilliant he is.

He's thinking about it as he closes his eyes, sees not him getting shot and Aaron crying over his lifeless body and this feeling of _loss_ , but the way he was able to better his life after it happened.

And he got this, he got Aaron and this life and -

The past is the past is the past, he thinks, not suddenly certain of everything that aches his mind, but at peace with what he has and how deserving he is of it.

He feels himself let go of his regret as soon as Aaron points out his favourite bit of the film and he doesn't feel any sadness as he Aaron lays a hand softly against his chest.

 

 


End file.
